Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Becoming Free

School has been a big part of my life- actually school has been my entire life for most of my life. I've become further "institutionalized" in my job.

It is time to break free of the institutions. There is great enjoyment in life and if I had more time and more control then it'd be even more fulfilling.

It is time!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Complaints of an Ingrate

It's one thing to be partial to complaining- it's totally unacceptable to be a blatant ingrate. Unfortunately that's just what I am...

The neighbors on either side of my little town house each have kids. Since the back yards are fenced off and so small to begin with the kids have taken to playing across the unfenced front lawns- their two and mine in the middle of course.

Not being the greatest fan of kids, that is somewhat irritating. I'd be willing to tolerate this though, if it weren't for the litter the brats and their friends scatter across my little lawn. Seriously?!?! Were they brought up in the labasse?? Popcorn packaging, popsicle paper and gummy bears (chewed naturally!) have all had their turn to decorate my front lawn.

Finally, I decided to revamp the front lawn this past weekend and I de-trashed it, spread some topsoil, reseeded it with fescue and watered. I was resolved- the lawn would look great (eventually) and the kids would stay off my lawn or get muddy/wet in the mean time.

Monday morning I placed a handful of day lilies at the top of my lawn- to have a look see at how they'd suit the spot...they did just fine and I left them there with intentions to plant them in the afternoon. When I came back from work the kids were playing on one of the adjacent plots and lilies were all a-kilter...OK, Anna...calm down...probably it was the wind- it had become quite windy after all...but no- the lilies were toppled and the soil shaken off from the roots- I've yet to make the acquaintance of such a clever wind!

Well, now I'm sort of bored with complaining- being cross is fun for only so long I guess :)

There's more stuff of course...there always is...just I'm so fortunate that I feel sort of guilty that such small things bug me- no matter how griping gets really dull really really quickly! I shall continue the saga (of trivial irritations) when next that mood strikes :}

Monday, May 18, 2009

Quiet Weekend

Purple and yellow- those are the colours I'm planting in my garden. I actually found a purple-ish rose! There's already a yellow. My rule about roses is that they must look good and smell good and strong- which is how I managed to resist buying a few more- there were several interesting colours in a tiny rose variety- none had much of a smell so I stuck with my larger purple.

Now, my garden is super tiny because I've got an itty bitty town some amount of effort goes into just curbing my enthusiasm!! There are other coloured flowers too...the main stuff are purple or yellow though...I planted a japanese maple my first year- it looks soooo happy- plus it hides the neglected corner at the very back of the garden :)

In my first year I planted jasmine and put in a little arch for them to grow over. There's a short brick path leading from the silly concrete square of a patio to the arch and back gate. It took several weekends to lay out and I'm very proud of it- even if it has become overgrown in places. I've hung a bird feeder on the arch and a wind chime- there is no more a pleasant time waster than gardening!!!

This weekend I bought a few day lilies to plant out front, I planted the lavender, verbena and a couple other things in a flower bed against the house and mulched them all. Saturday was the perfect weather for that sort of thing- warm and overcast. I also spread an entire bag of garden soil in the front lawn and reseeded the lawn. Partly because the lawn looks fairly pathetic...partly because the neighbourhood kids keep playing on the lawn and leaving litter...blech.

My Aunti gave me pimento seeds a couple years back- hopefully they are still viable- because my supply of pimento is almost through. I do have lots of big leaf thyme- gotta remember to give Bev her plants. I've made two failed attempts at growing bandania- I'm not sure what to do differently- the seeds are just so tiny I think they get washed away when I water the soil. Well, maybe the third time will be the charm:}

Fisher insisted on making a pest of himself this weekend. Every time I stopped to survey the outcome of planting he'd shuffle over to beg for a cuddle. When I'd bend over to scoop up some soil he'd scoot in under me and look up expectantly. Anyone would think he was totally neglected with the way he begs (and sometimes demands) attention. When I'd finished mulching the flower bed he goes and lays next to it and smooshes one of the lavender plants with his big paw- and looks up at me all innocent! I didn't know if to laugh or scream- so I turned the hose on him. He moved off super pronto after that!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

In the Garden

My garden is a well loved spot. I stand for minutes at a time imagining the wondrous way it will be laid out. The birds laugh at me even as they eat the seed I've hastily deposited.

My garden is a sadly neglected plot. Overgrown daises fight for sunlight with straggly weeds and carefully seeded grass waves indifferently in carelessly untended languor.

My garden is a joyful place. When the rose blooms, and blooms, and blooms- it's yellow ruffled skirts flirting; tempting a closer look. All is verdant and robust.

My garden is alive! The things I have planted in its soil, the things that have planted themselves there and all the visions and hopes that it cultivates in me-for all of these, I give thanks.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


So...I'm not hungry...I'm angry...actually pissed off. Ate "healthy" all yesterday. Enjoyed it too. Just hate to have any restrictions- one of my old profs called it "reactance"...basically resisting doing something because there is some externat pressure to do that.

So...what's that all about- dunno...control? will power?greed? gluttony? nuhuh...don't think so- just it feels good to be full- probably physiological...and I don't want any rules...wanting to do what I want to do- not very mature of me I suppose- ah well...I did manage yesterday and let's see how things turn out today.

In the meantime it's back to working for "the man" ...

Monday, May 11, 2009

Predisposed to Happiness?

My intention is always to make a "theory of everything" for my life...maybe for life in general. As the list of things to do and rules to follow grows so does my level of absolute panic and general craziness. Eventually I give up and block it all out until the next wave of illusions of grandeur and control hits. Surely there is a simple solution- there must be- for I cannot juggle all the "local" solutions at once!

What this blog is (going to be) is a recording of what seems important to me as it occurs-conversations, observations, eating habits, vacations, weather...anything.

If I can "observe" myself through this blog maybe I can reconcile my persistent hopefulness with the equally persistent cynicism. Trick myself into revealing me to myself.

Life is OK and I can be content in my own reality- this does NOT mean that I am living an optimal existence. Having friends has shown me that truth. In the same breath my own reality provides a sense of security- when there is no one else (and inevitably those times come) I have myself.

The hours I spend just thinking!! Having conversations with myself- figuring out what "box" to safely place an acquaintance in- deciding how guilty to feel over an infraction of one of my rules- agonizing over how much to presume on a relationship-and making those infernal to-do lists!!

I do feel happy...and this feeling confounds my reason...there a so many things I am not happy many aspects of my life where I feel a failure...and still this happiness surfaces.