My intention is always to make a "theory of everything" for my life...maybe for life in general. As the list of things to do and rules to follow grows so does my level of absolute panic and general craziness. Eventually I give up and block it all out until the next wave of illusions of grandeur and control hits. Surely there is a simple solution- there must be- for I cannot juggle all the "local" solutions at once!
What this blog is (going to be) is a recording of what seems important to me as it occurs-conversations, observations, eating habits, vacations, weather...anything.
If I can "observe" myself through this blog maybe I can reconcile my persistent hopefulness with the equally persistent cynicism. Trick myself into revealing me to myself.
Life is OK and I can be content in my own reality- this does NOT mean that I am living an optimal existence. Having friends has shown me that truth. In the same breath my own reality provides a sense of security- when there is no one else (and inevitably those times come) I have myself.
The hours I spend just thinking!! Having conversations with myself- figuring out what "box" to safely place an acquaintance in- deciding how guilty to feel over an infraction of one of my rules- agonizing over how much to presume on a relationship-and making those infernal to-do lists!!
I do feel happy...and this feeling confounds my reason...there a so many things I am not happy about...so many aspects of my life where I feel a failure...and still this happiness surfaces.